Wanting an answer but not the one currently suggested.

For the last week my mind has been going a million miles a minute during every waking moment.  I have struggled for a long time having this very ill feeling in my stomach about Moo Moo’s development or lack thereof.  Since the time he was about nine months old he has stayed on the border line for about half of his developmental milestones.  Never falling far enough behind to be considered delayed yet enough that I, as his mother, can tell that he isn’t where he needs to be.  I have been struggling with this a lot here recently for reasons not understood by me.  Maybe this is just our time to deal with it?  I decided to make an appointment with a doctor in his pediatrician’s office because he regular ped. is booked thru mid March.  We needed to repeat lead tests anyway since last time he was a 10 and the maximum “normal” range is 9.  (That’s something I’m sure I will post about in another entry, on another day.) 

 We arrive for said appointment and my sister in law came with to assist since we had to do an arm blood draw this time (again due to last lead test).  While doctor and I are talking about the issues going on SIL is playing with Moo Moo.  Doctor observes for a short time and says that a speech evaluation was most likely in order and it would help calm my fears.  If only he knew how wrong he was.

Yesterday we went for his speech evaluation.  He is delayed, about  8 months to be exact.  However she noticed other things going on with him, along with some questions that I answered honestly, and she is now referring him to occupational therapy for an evaluation there.  Why?  Sensory problems which could be, but not necessarily are, related to autism- however high functioning autism.

This is not what I was looking for nor what I really feel is wrong with him.  Maybe I just don’t want to accept it?  He does exhibit some (probably more than average) signs of autism but I have this deep feeling within the pit of my stomach that it is something else.  I am willing to admit that something just isn’t quite right, which DH still hasn’t wrapped his mind around, but this just doesn’t feel like the right diagnosis.

Further testing will be done in either case.  We are going to go ahead with the speech therapy and the occupational therapy evaluation.  I’ve been busy reading, researching, talking with other moms about all of this and my feelings that I am trying to face.  What if it is autism?  Will I try to cut out all the things suggested out of his diet that some people suggest are factors contributing to autism or do we just figure out how to deal and move forward?  Either way we either have a diagnosis that is difficult to deal with emotionally or we are still left wondering what is going on, so it is a slightly trying time.  We try not to let Moo Moo in on the fact that something is wrong but I know he senses it.  He  picks up on how people who he is close with are feeling at any given moment though. 

Sorry if part or all of this is mumbled all together.  That’s just how my brain has been functioning for the last couple of weeks. 

The baby is no longer a babe.

Wrinkles officially entered toddler-hood today.  One year ago today I was holding my happy, healthy newborn babe in my arms.  I can’t believe that he is one year old already.  Where has the time gone?  A lot of things have changed around here in that short year, a lot of progress has been made to get where we want to go with our future and our family. 

Wrinkles was a challenging babe for us at the beginning.  While he latched right on when DH brought him to me in the recovery room, feeding him hasn’t always been so easy.  Lactose sensitivity and GERD have proven to be challenges over the last year but we have overcome them together.  The lactose sensitivity has gotten less severe which allows me to eat more dairy now and the GERD is slowly resolving itself.  The first few months were definetly a challenge as we figured these things out and as we adjusted from a family of three to a family of four.  We were on the edge of drowning in our own tears when we found a pediatrician that saved our sanity.  After we figured out what was going on, we were able to focus more on integrating our newest family member into the family dynamics.  Now Moo Moo and Wrinkles are pretty much inseparable.  It has been everything I wanted and more for my family.  Wrinkles is a walking, talking, little man who is already his own independent person.

Today we had cake for desert after lunch so that DH could join in and see Wrinkles destroy his piece.  Moo Moo was very understanding of it being Wrinkles’ birthday and not his (a big accomplishment since a month ago, Daddy’s birthday).  Wrinkles wasn’t too sure about the cake at first but then he got into it and starting enjoying.  It was lots of fun.  We will celebrate his birthday in a couple of weeks with family and a few friends for his first birthday party.   

I was asked today if my baby years are over or if there are plans for more.  I don’t know this answer for sure as I am still waiting for an answer from God on this one.  When I was younger I always dreamed of having three children.  This is a difficult one for me because of our family situation and ages.  I almost feel like our family is complete right now.  I don’t know.  Time will tell.  God will lead us in the right direction on this if we trust in His ways. 

The Depression Battle

For almost as long as I can remember I have battled depression.  For me it has been something that has never completely been under control and a constant up and down roller-coaster of emotions.  I am not exaggerating when I say it has been almost as long as I can remember.  Looking back the first time I saw my depression get out of control I was in the third grade and from time to time it still gets out of control.

I am headed down the lonely path of depression again.  I have a hard time taking and staying on my medication partially because it quits working and then I wait until I can’t take it anymore to drag myself back to the doctor or I start to feel better and then I think I don’t need the medication anymore.  My current “excuse” however is that I am breastfeeding and even though they tell me the medication is safe while breastfeeding it still bothers me.  Lately we have been trying to live more “natural” live cutting out the unnecessary things and trying to go to more natural alternatives.  I’m not sure how to fit this in with my depression.

Part of my current state of mind is due to the weather and time changes.  It could have to do with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up too.  I am stressed about Christmas this year and how it will all play out but that is for a different post.  Around Thanksgiving time I like to reflect upon the year so far and prioritize the things that I really want to do and feel need done and also to make any changes that I see need to happen.  My depression always happens this time of year.

I think part of it is that I have an upsetting feeling in my stomach about the world in general right now.  The whole China toy recalls, housing slump, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, oil/gas prices, and where I feel this country is headed scares the heck out of me!!  I want so desperately to move into our own house but right now that just isn’t an option and I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on this subject.  The upcoming caucuses and election just leave me baffled because I am not finding my personal “perfect” candidate to help get us out of this mess we are in.  Then there’s always the money issue… what to do with it, when, where’s it going to come from, who to pay when, etc., etc., etc.  I realize this is a common concern for many people but it shouldn’t be a concern for us… we have very little living expenses but yet we have money issues.  What is the problem?  I’m also worried about college.  I want and need to do well this semester and right now I am just feeling overwhelmed with everything in both of my classes.  I don’t know what I am going to do next semester as the class I want to take is held on Tues. and Thurs. afternoons which means my kids will have to go to a babysitter.  No big deal for some people but it is a huge deal for me and my children.  This whole thing plays in to the idea of what am I doing with my life?  Where am I going?  What will I do when the kids get to go to school (assuming public school works out)?  And then there is parenting.  I don’t think my parenting values have changed over the last year or so but as I talk to others whom used to share my parenting values they no longer are in sync.  Did I change or did they?  And finally (although this probably doesn’t cover all of it) is who are my friends and where are they?  My best friend went back to work this past year and I am feeling very alone without her there to help support me.  She’s still there but in a different way than before.  I dropped my playgroup because it was causing me anxiety and there were a few other issues.  The other playgroups I would consider going to are at least a twenty-five minute drive for me.  I honestly have one friend, the above mentioned best friend.  All others are just acquaintances and fly by the night type of people.

AAAHHH!  I just want to scream and cry!!!!

So the depression battle rages on.  I must decide to take my medication or do something to get it under control before it really does become a huge issue.  Sorry just had to vent!

I’ve lost my way… (Any suggestions?)

on my parenting style that is.  I used to be so into attachment parenting but sometime within the last year I have lost my way.  It all started with the miscarriage and has just continued on from there.  After the miscarriage I was so distraught that I could barely function, let alone take care of a two year old.  I sunk into my reoccurring depression and dealing with Moo Moo was so hard for me.  A year and a half later I still find myself far away from my “roots” of attachment parenting and gentle discipline.  I don’t know what to do to find my way back to that calm, secure place.  I feel horrible after yelling at Moo Moo, I am just so easily angered and frustrated anymore. 

I can’t believe I have resorted to this kind of behavior.  I need to get back with my friends that encourage and model attachment parenting.  I need that support!  To be honest, I don’t even want to face them because I don’t know how to deal with Moo Moo misbehaving without breaking almost every philosophy of AP.  It so much easier to sit here ard try to deal with his misbehaviors at home than to take him anywhere.  In public he just misbehaves more and I always feel like the mother with the totally out of control 3 year old.

What am I teaching and modeling to my dear, sweet boys?  I don’t want to know- because I already know.  If you have any suggestions or books or websites, anything, please share.  I really want to go back to the parent I used to be and the kind of parent that I want and need to be for my sons.