The baby is no longer a babe.

Wrinkles officially entered toddler-hood today.  One year ago today I was holding my happy, healthy newborn babe in my arms.  I can’t believe that he is one year old already.  Where has the time gone?  A lot of things have changed around here in that short year, a lot of progress has been made to get where we want to go with our future and our family. 

Wrinkles was a challenging babe for us at the beginning.  While he latched right on when DH brought him to me in the recovery room, feeding him hasn’t always been so easy.  Lactose sensitivity and GERD have proven to be challenges over the last year but we have overcome them together.  The lactose sensitivity has gotten less severe which allows me to eat more dairy now and the GERD is slowly resolving itself.  The first few months were definetly a challenge as we figured these things out and as we adjusted from a family of three to a family of four.  We were on the edge of drowning in our own tears when we found a pediatrician that saved our sanity.  After we figured out what was going on, we were able to focus more on integrating our newest family member into the family dynamics.  Now Moo Moo and Wrinkles are pretty much inseparable.  It has been everything I wanted and more for my family.  Wrinkles is a walking, talking, little man who is already his own independent person.

Today we had cake for desert after lunch so that DH could join in and see Wrinkles destroy his piece.  Moo Moo was very understanding of it being Wrinkles’ birthday and not his (a big accomplishment since a month ago, Daddy’s birthday).  Wrinkles wasn’t too sure about the cake at first but then he got into it and starting enjoying.  It was lots of fun.  We will celebrate his birthday in a couple of weeks with family and a few friends for his first birthday party.   

I was asked today if my baby years are over or if there are plans for more.  I don’t know this answer for sure as I am still waiting for an answer from God on this one.  When I was younger I always dreamed of having three children.  This is a difficult one for me because of our family situation and ages.  I almost feel like our family is complete right now.  I don’t know.  Time will tell.  God will lead us in the right direction on this if we trust in His ways. 

The Depression Battle

For almost as long as I can remember I have battled depression.  For me it has been something that has never completely been under control and a constant up and down roller-coaster of emotions.  I am not exaggerating when I say it has been almost as long as I can remember.  Looking back the first time I saw my depression get out of control I was in the third grade and from time to time it still gets out of control.

I am headed down the lonely path of depression again.  I have a hard time taking and staying on my medication partially because it quits working and then I wait until I can’t take it anymore to drag myself back to the doctor or I start to feel better and then I think I don’t need the medication anymore.  My current “excuse” however is that I am breastfeeding and even though they tell me the medication is safe while breastfeeding it still bothers me.  Lately we have been trying to live more “natural” live cutting out the unnecessary things and trying to go to more natural alternatives.  I’m not sure how to fit this in with my depression.

Part of my current state of mind is due to the weather and time changes.  It could have to do with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up too.  I am stressed about Christmas this year and how it will all play out but that is for a different post.  Around Thanksgiving time I like to reflect upon the year so far and prioritize the things that I really want to do and feel need done and also to make any changes that I see need to happen.  My depression always happens this time of year.

I think part of it is that I have an upsetting feeling in my stomach about the world in general right now.  The whole China toy recalls, housing slump, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, oil/gas prices, and where I feel this country is headed scares the heck out of me!!  I want so desperately to move into our own house but right now that just isn’t an option and I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on this subject.  The upcoming caucuses and election just leave me baffled because I am not finding my personal “perfect” candidate to help get us out of this mess we are in.  Then there’s always the money issue… what to do with it, when, where’s it going to come from, who to pay when, etc., etc., etc.  I realize this is a common concern for many people but it shouldn’t be a concern for us… we have very little living expenses but yet we have money issues.  What is the problem?  I’m also worried about college.  I want and need to do well this semester and right now I am just feeling overwhelmed with everything in both of my classes.  I don’t know what I am going to do next semester as the class I want to take is held on Tues. and Thurs. afternoons which means my kids will have to go to a babysitter.  No big deal for some people but it is a huge deal for me and my children.  This whole thing plays in to the idea of what am I doing with my life?  Where am I going?  What will I do when the kids get to go to school (assuming public school works out)?  And then there is parenting.  I don’t think my parenting values have changed over the last year or so but as I talk to others whom used to share my parenting values they no longer are in sync.  Did I change or did they?  And finally (although this probably doesn’t cover all of it) is who are my friends and where are they?  My best friend went back to work this past year and I am feeling very alone without her there to help support me.  She’s still there but in a different way than before.  I dropped my playgroup because it was causing me anxiety and there were a few other issues.  The other playgroups I would consider going to are at least a twenty-five minute drive for me.  I honestly have one friend, the above mentioned best friend.  All others are just acquaintances and fly by the night type of people.

AAAHHH!  I just want to scream and cry!!!!

So the depression battle rages on.  I must decide to take my medication or do something to get it under control before it really does become a huge issue.  Sorry just had to vent!

The Sick House

Well…. this is the first time I’ve had a minute to post for a few days.  We have become the sick house around here.  It started Friday when Wrinkles was running a temperature and was acting really funny.  I gave him some Tylenol, his temp. dropped, and he went back to his normal self.  Saturday night we had planned “date night” for the first time since our anniversary in April.  Wrinkles hadn’t required any Tylenol and seemed okay so we preceeded with our plans.  He was fussy for my sister-in-law who watched him but not so fussy that she felt the need to call me and let me know, instead they spent most of the time we were gone riding around in the car to keep him happy.  Ugh!  Why didn’t she just call me?  Oh well we weren’t gone very long anyway.  We had a good time and some great food.  Fast forward to Sunday night when I woke up to a burning hot Wrinkles.  Did he know mommy and daddy wanted and needed to go out with out the children so he miraclously wasn’t sick on Sat.?  I think to myself that he can’t really be sick, he must be working on his first tooth.  Monday was fuss-ville around here.  Wrinkles had to be held all day and every 4 hours needed Tylenol to bring his fever down a bit.  No sleep Monday night!  He was up every hour, the Tylenol wasn’t breaking his fever any longer, it was a long night.  Yesterday I decide to bring him in the ped. as he is no longer eating or nursing.  I don’t think my supply will do well with a nursing strike.  He really is sick.  He has croup and strep throat.  Ohhh… now I feel like the bad mommy who made her child suffer because I didn’t think he was really “sick”.  We started him on some antibiotics for the strep and just traditional steam showers and cold air at night and humidifiers in the house for the croup. 

Then last night as I was heading off to bed I heard Moo Moo crying in his room.  I go to check what the problem is and he is vomiting.  You’ve got to be kidding me!!  Moo Moo vomits often so I don’t know at this point if he is actually sick or just having one of his classic moments.  I decide to camp out in the living room with both the boys as sleeping in our queen bed with all four of us just doesn’t work for me anymore.  I spread out blankets and we all get comfy.  Next thing I know Moo Moo is getting sick again, luckily in his bucket this time.  He must have the flu.  Yuck!!

Wrinkles is still very grumpy but he is no longer running a temp.  He isn’t eating his solids yet but he is nursing again!  Thank goodness!  Moo Moo is still acting sluggish but hasn’t gotten sick for a couple of hours now. 

I have class tonight and I am really torn about whether to go or not.  I think the kids will be fine with my mom but they’re sick and I really feel like, as their mother, I should be with them but we are doing peer review tonight and I think I need to do this.  What to do?!?! 

Wrinkles is up again now and I must work on my paper for class tonight at his next nap.