I admit it. I am hooked on bottled water. Not just plain old bottled water, I can get that out of my faucet. No… I want the really bad stuff for me. The water with additives in it. Flavored water is my friend, whom I need to discard forever.
Not only am a contributing to environmental waste but I am adding crap to my body every time I drink it. BUT it tastes so good! I like to tell myself that it’s not as bad as loading up on soda like I used to do. But in reality I don’t think it’s any better- especially after reading some of the information tonight about a different “diet” I am considering. Then there’s always the issue of cost involved. We easily go thru a six pack of flavored bottled water 2-3 times per week around here. ((I’m hiding right now)) When I add that all up it really seems like a waste.
If I could get water with some juice or something added to it to make it taste the same- I would! I haven’t figured that out though. How do these manufacturers do it???
March 17, 2008
For most of my life I have walked down the middle of the road. I’ve always tried to keep everyone happy, tried to keep the boat from rocking too much, and never taken a clear stand on most issues. Oddly enough as I look back on the happiest times of my own life, it has been when I walked on one side or the other… avoiding the middle road.
This concept has become clear to me as I look at the issues currently facing the communities and groups in which I am involved. Suddenly it dawned on me that I am always the peace maker, the person whom both sides of the issue come to when they are ready to compromise, the one who can put the right spin on the issue at hand to find the common ground. This is not my comfortable place even though I find it to be my default.
Moving away from the middle of the road and walking on one side is not an easy task for me. I am a people pleaser. I avoid conflict. I put my life on hold in order to make someone else’s life easier or better. I need to stop, not only for myself but for my children and my family. These behaviors, in excess, are stressful, tiring, and unhealthy. They have lead me to the unhappy places that I find myself most of the time. This effects more than just me, it effects my whole family.
No longer will I walk the middle of the road. For many years, I walked here to find my friends and fit in with others but that hasn’t worked out for me. I look at my social supports/networks and they are weak at best. In fact, walking the middle of the road has led me to this dilemma of not having many friends that I am close with and not completely fitting in with the groups. I don’t want my children to walk this same road because of the model behaviors they see in me. I will assert my feelings, beliefs, wants, and needs effectively. I will pick a side of the road when necessary and not waiver in my decision. I will not let other dictate the way I feel or think about any certain subject or issue choosing instead to investigate, research, and make my own choices.
This is one step on MY road of healing, organizing and simplifying.
February 18, 2008
For the last week my mind has been going a million miles a minute during every waking moment. I have struggled for a long time having this very ill feeling in my stomach about Moo Moo’s development or lack thereof. Since the time he was about nine months old he has stayed on the border line for about half of his developmental milestones. Never falling far enough behind to be considered delayed yet enough that I, as his mother, can tell that he isn’t where he needs to be. I have been struggling with this a lot here recently for reasons not understood by me. Maybe this is just our time to deal with it? I decided to make an appointment with a doctor in his pediatrician’s office because he regular ped. is booked thru mid March. We needed to repeat lead tests anyway since last time he was a 10 and the maximum “normal” range is 9. (That’s something I’m sure I will post about in another entry, on another day.)
We arrive for said appointment and my sister in law came with to assist since we had to do an arm blood draw this time (again due to last lead test). While doctor and I are talking about the issues going on SIL is playing with Moo Moo. Doctor observes for a short time and says that a speech evaluation was most likely in order and it would help calm my fears. If only he knew how wrong he was.
Yesterday we went for his speech evaluation. He is delayed, about 8 months to be exact. However she noticed other things going on with him, along with some questions that I answered honestly, and she is now referring him to occupational therapy for an evaluation there. Why? Sensory problems which could be, but not necessarily are, related to autism- however high functioning autism.
This is not what I was looking for nor what I really feel is wrong with him. Maybe I just don’t want to accept it? He does exhibit some (probably more than average) signs of autism but I have this deep feeling within the pit of my stomach that it is something else. I am willing to admit that something just isn’t quite right, which DH still hasn’t wrapped his mind around, but this just doesn’t feel like the right diagnosis.
Further testing will be done in either case. We are going to go ahead with the speech therapy and the occupational therapy evaluation. I’ve been busy reading, researching, talking with other moms about all of this and my feelings that I am trying to face. What if it is autism? Will I try to cut out all the things suggested out of his diet that some people suggest are factors contributing to autism or do we just figure out how to deal and move forward? Either way we either have a diagnosis that is difficult to deal with emotionally or we are still left wondering what is going on, so it is a slightly trying time. We try not to let Moo Moo in on the fact that something is wrong but I know he senses it. He picks up on how people who he is close with are feeling at any given moment though.
Sorry if part or all of this is mumbled all together. That’s just how my brain has been functioning for the last couple of weeks.
February 5, 2008
For almost as long as I can remember I have battled depression. For me it has been something that has never completely been under control and a constant up and down roller-coaster of emotions. I am not exaggerating when I say it has been almost as long as I can remember. Looking back the first time I saw my depression get out of control I was in the third grade and from time to time it still gets out of control.
I am headed down the lonely path of depression again. I have a hard time taking and staying on my medication partially because it quits working and then I wait until I can’t take it anymore to drag myself back to the doctor or I start to feel better and then I think I don’t need the medication anymore. My current “excuse” however is that I am breastfeeding and even though they tell me the medication is safe while breastfeeding it still bothers me. Lately we have been trying to live more “natural” live cutting out the unnecessary things and trying to go to more natural alternatives. I’m not sure how to fit this in with my depression.
Part of my current state of mind is due to the weather and time changes. It could have to do with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up too. I am stressed about Christmas this year and how it will all play out but that is for a different post. Around Thanksgiving time I like to reflect upon the year so far and prioritize the things that I really want to do and feel need done and also to make any changes that I see need to happen. My depression always happens this time of year.
I think part of it is that I have an upsetting feeling in my stomach about the world in general right now. The whole China toy recalls, housing slump, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, oil/gas prices, and where I feel this country is headed scares the heck out of me!! I want so desperately to move into our own house but right now that just isn’t an option and I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on this subject. The upcoming caucuses and election just leave me baffled because I am not finding my personal “perfect” candidate to help get us out of this mess we are in. Then there’s always the money issue… what to do with it, when, where’s it going to come from, who to pay when, etc., etc., etc. I realize this is a common concern for many people but it shouldn’t be a concern for us… we have very little living expenses but yet we have money issues. What is the problem? I’m also worried about college. I want and need to do well this semester and right now I am just feeling overwhelmed with everything in both of my classes. I don’t know what I am going to do next semester as the class I want to take is held on Tues. and Thurs. afternoons which means my kids will have to go to a babysitter. No big deal for some people but it is a huge deal for me and my children. This whole thing plays in to the idea of what am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What will I do when the kids get to go to school (assuming public school works out)? And then there is parenting. I don’t think my parenting values have changed over the last year or so but as I talk to others whom used to share my parenting values they no longer are in sync. Did I change or did they? And finally (although this probably doesn’t cover all of it) is who are my friends and where are they? My best friend went back to work this past year and I am feeling very alone without her there to help support me. She’s still there but in a different way than before. I dropped my playgroup because it was causing me anxiety and there were a few other issues. The other playgroups I would consider going to are at least a twenty-five minute drive for me. I honestly have one friend, the above mentioned best friend. All others are just acquaintances and fly by the night type of people.
AAAHHH! I just want to scream and cry!!!!
So the depression battle rages on. I must decide to take my medication or do something to get it under control before it really does become a huge issue. Sorry just had to vent!
November 9, 2007
Today I mustered up the courage to go to the dentist for the first time since the miscarriage.. yes a year and a half ago. I know I should go more often but I just dislike it so much. For me it is a mixture of different things that fuel my fear of the dentist. I’ve never had good teeth and therefore my memories and emotions that go with are rooted early in my childhood.
My childhood dentist was creepy… he was old, he looked strange to me, and he wasn’t the nicest but he made these weird, stupid comments that were supposed to be funny. I was more scared of him rather than the dentist but he treated the entire family so if was never an option for me to go somewhere else. He really wasn’t very mean and usually tried to make me as comfortable as possible but the hygienist that he had was awful!! In fact, to this day, I would rather see a dentist and skip the hygienist but that isn’t always possible. When I was no longer eligible for my parent’s dental insurance I just didn’t go anymore. That was simple enough… except I was letting my bad teeth get worse and worse. Then I got a horrible tooth ache and went to see the local dentist in the small town where we live. His solution, since I didn’t have dental insurance or very much money that I was willing to spend on my teeth at that point in my life, was to just pull the tooth. I asked to be referred to an oral surgeon but he assured me he would be able to get it out without problems. This was frightening to me but I figured I would be able to handle it. They attempted to numb the area but despite the fact that I told them I could still slightly feel it he thought he would be able to get it out. WRONG!! It hurt so bad! I cried my eyes out until he finally said that he wasn’t going to be able to pull it and he was sending me on to an oral surgeon. Why wouldn’t he do that in the first place? I went to the oral surgeon and they used something other than the Novocaine to numb, it worked great, and less than a minute later the tooth was out.
Fast forward to now. I have finally found a dentist that I really don’t mind going to see. I still have to take an anti-anxiety pill before I can actually make it to an appointment but once I get there he is really good. The prices at the group he practices with are a bit higher than others in the area but I am willing to sacrifice for someone who doesn’t lecture me every time I go but rather understands that at least I am there and willing to make an effort now. He is getting his money from me regardless and there really isn’t a point in making me feel worse about going than I already do. He explain just enough that I know what is going on but not so much that I allow myself to panic. He is as gentle as I suppose a dentist can be and is always asking if I am okay or if I can feel anything other than pressure. We have a treatment plan that will most likely take a couple of years to complete due to financial reasons but he is confident that we will get it all taken care of and salvage my teeth.
Next appointment is in one week. I’m already stressing about it even though I know I will be fine. Moo Moo has his dental surgery this Friday to take care of his cavities partially caused by inherited weak enamel. I’m not too stressed about that because he won’t remember any of it and he’s already had surgery (for something else) previously. It won’t be the easiest thing but I know this is what we need to do for him and he will come through like a real trooper.
November 5, 2007
A year and a half ago I lost a pregnancy. One year ago, I was supposed to be having my twins. It was and still is the most painful experience of my life. I never imagined the pain, both emotionally and physically, that would be endured. The physical pain for me was quite brief and I am thankful for that aspect. The emotional pain hasn’t been so short lived. It is still quite raw and I don’t know when, if ever, I will completely heal from this loss.
I remember my twin girls with great love and sadness. They were loved so much for the very short time that they lived within me. The doctors could never confirm the babies sexes but I know within my heart that they were girls. I long for the day that we will meet in heaven. I know they are in safe, gentle hands but that doesn’t heal my empty arms. Their picture (ultrasound) will forever be with the pictures of my living children. I (we) will never forget them!! Their brothers will know that someday when they join their Creator in heaven that they will be welcomed also by their siblings.
I should be planning and celebrating one year birthdays but instead I am left here with an empty void in my heart and knots still all tangled up in my stomach. My family and I will visit their memories and hold their picture on Saturday (the day they were to be born). We will then take a walk and try to go on with our lives, remembering but never forgetting.
Since their death, I have been fortunate enough to have another living child. Wrinkles was never meant to fill that void and he never has. He is a very important and loved part of this family but so are the babies that never made it here to this earth.
I hope to one day, when I am more emotionally healed myself, to be able to start a support group for people enduring the pain of miscarriage. This is something that I feel our community could benefit from greatly. I have heard all too often the comments that don’t help but hurt (even though this is not their intended purpose), we need education for the public of things that could be said that would be more comforting, or at the least not hurtful, we need a place to be able to share openly our feelings and memories of our dear children.
October 10, 2007
on my parenting style that is. I used to be so into attachment parenting but sometime within the last year I have lost my way. It all started with the miscarriage and has just continued on from there. After the miscarriage I was so distraught that I could barely function, let alone take care of a two year old. I sunk into my reoccurring depression and dealing with Moo Moo was so hard for me. A year and a half later I still find myself far away from my “roots” of attachment parenting and gentle discipline. I don’t know what to do to find my way back to that calm, secure place. I feel horrible after yelling at Moo Moo, I am just so easily angered and frustrated anymore.
I can’t believe I have resorted to this kind of behavior. I need to get back with my friends that encourage and model attachment parenting. I need that support! To be honest, I don’t even want to face them because I don’t know how to deal with Moo Moo misbehaving without breaking almost every philosophy of AP. It so much easier to sit here ard try to deal with his misbehaviors at home than to take him anywhere. In public he just misbehaves more and I always feel like the mother with the totally out of control 3 year old.
What am I teaching and modeling to my dear, sweet boys? I don’t want to know- because I already know. If you have any suggestions or books or websites, anything, please share. I really want to go back to the parent I used to be and the kind of parent that I want and need to be for my sons.
October 9, 2007
