Archive for November, 2007

The Depression Battle

For almost as long as I can remember I have battled depression.  For me it has been something that has never completely been under control and a constant up and down roller-coaster of emotions.  I am not exaggerating when I say it has been almost as long as I can remember.  Looking back the first time I saw my depression get out of control I was in the third grade and from time to time it still gets out of control.

I am headed down the lonely path of depression again.  I have a hard time taking and staying on my medication partially because it quits working and then I wait until I can’t take it anymore to drag myself back to the doctor or I start to feel better and then I think I don’t need the medication anymore.  My current “excuse” however is that I am breastfeeding and even though they tell me the medication is safe while breastfeeding it still bothers me.  Lately we have been trying to live more “natural” live cutting out the unnecessary things and trying to go to more natural alternatives.  I’m not sure how to fit this in with my depression.

Part of my current state of mind is due to the weather and time changes.  It could have to do with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up too.  I am stressed about Christmas this year and how it will all play out but that is for a different post.  Around Thanksgiving time I like to reflect upon the year so far and prioritize the things that I really want to do and feel need done and also to make any changes that I see need to happen.  My depression always happens this time of year.

I think part of it is that I have an upsetting feeling in my stomach about the world in general right now.  The whole China toy recalls, housing slump, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, oil/gas prices, and where I feel this country is headed scares the heck out of me!!  I want so desperately to move into our own house but right now that just isn’t an option and I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on this subject.  The upcoming caucuses and election just leave me baffled because I am not finding my personal “perfect” candidate to help get us out of this mess we are in.  Then there’s always the money issue… what to do with it, when, where’s it going to come from, who to pay when, etc., etc., etc.  I realize this is a common concern for many people but it shouldn’t be a concern for us… we have very little living expenses but yet we have money issues.  What is the problem?  I’m also worried about college.  I want and need to do well this semester and right now I am just feeling overwhelmed with everything in both of my classes.  I don’t know what I am going to do next semester as the class I want to take is held on Tues. and Thurs. afternoons which means my kids will have to go to a babysitter.  No big deal for some people but it is a huge deal for me and my children.  This whole thing plays in to the idea of what am I doing with my life?  Where am I going?  What will I do when the kids get to go to school (assuming public school works out)?  And then there is parenting.  I don’t think my parenting values have changed over the last year or so but as I talk to others whom used to share my parenting values they no longer are in sync.  Did I change or did they?  And finally (although this probably doesn’t cover all of it) is who are my friends and where are they?  My best friend went back to work this past year and I am feeling very alone without her there to help support me.  She’s still there but in a different way than before.  I dropped my playgroup because it was causing me anxiety and there were a few other issues.  The other playgroups I would consider going to are at least a twenty-five minute drive for me.  I honestly have one friend, the above mentioned best friend.  All others are just acquaintances and fly by the night type of people.

AAAHHH!  I just want to scream and cry!!!!

So the depression battle rages on.  I must decide to take my medication or do something to get it under control before it really does become a huge issue.  Sorry just had to vent!

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November 9, 2007 at 11:56 pm Leave a comment

The Dreaded Dentist

Today I mustered up the courage to go to the dentist for the first time since the miscarriage.. yes a year and a half ago.  I know I should go more often but I just dislike it so much.  For me it is a mixture of different things that fuel my fear of the dentist.  I’ve never had good teeth and therefore my memories and emotions that go with are rooted early in my childhood. 

My childhood dentist was creepy… he was old, he looked strange to me, and he wasn’t the nicest but he made these weird, stupid comments that were supposed to be funny.  I was more scared of him rather than the dentist but he treated the entire family so if was never an option for me to go somewhere else.  He really wasn’t very mean and usually tried to make me as comfortable as possible but the hygienist that he had was awful!!  In fact, to this day, I would rather see a dentist and skip the hygienist but that isn’t always possible.  When I was no longer eligible for my parent’s dental insurance I just didn’t go anymore.  That was simple enough… except I was letting my bad teeth get worse and worse.  Then I got a horrible tooth ache and went to see the local dentist in the small town where we live.  His solution, since I didn’t have dental insurance or very much money that I was willing to spend on my teeth at that point in my life, was to just pull the tooth.  I asked to be referred to an oral surgeon but he assured me he would be able to get it out without problems.  This was frightening to me but I figured I would be able to handle it.  They attempted to numb the area but despite the fact that I told them I could still slightly feel it he thought he would be able to get it out.  WRONG!!  It hurt so bad!  I cried my eyes out until he finally said that he wasn’t going to be able to pull it and he was sending me on to an oral surgeon.  Why wouldn’t he do that in the first place?  I went to the oral surgeon and they used something other than the Novocaine to numb, it worked great, and less than a minute later the tooth was out. 

Fast forward to now.  I have finally found a dentist that I really don’t mind going to see.  I still have to take an anti-anxiety pill before I can actually make it to an appointment but once I get there he is really good.  The prices at the group he practices with are a bit higher than others in the area but I am willing to sacrifice for someone who doesn’t lecture me every time I go but rather understands that at least I am there and willing to make an effort now.  He is getting his money from me regardless and there really isn’t a point in making me feel worse about going than I already do.  He explain just enough that I know what is going on but not so much that I allow myself to panic.  He is as gentle as I suppose a dentist can be and is always asking if I am okay or if I can feel anything other than pressure.  We have a treatment plan that will most likely take a couple of years to complete due to financial reasons but he is confident that we will get it all taken care of and salvage my teeth. 

Next appointment is in one week.  I’m already stressing about it even though I know I will be fine.  Moo Moo has his dental surgery this Friday to take care of his cavities partially caused by inherited weak enamel.  I’m not too stressed about that because he won’t remember any of it and he’s already had surgery (for something else) previously.  It won’t be the easiest thing but I know this is what we need to do for him and he will come through like a real trooper.

November 5, 2007 at 10:44 pm 1 comment